I awake feeling sad, broken and wishing I felt none of these things. Tomorrow i’m waking up alone and going to remember everything that once could have been. The world has a hell of a right hook, i never expected a black eye that bad. words bite, inexperience harms, i wish that had been pinned […]Read more "2018: Madness masquerading as sanity"
Time is passing me by, and I don’t have a hold on it or life anymore. Meanwhile Pitchfork today just gave two best new music tags to the new albums by Earl Sweatshirt and The 1975, both well deserved. On the other side of today today I found myself awake at 4 am my head […]Read more "i wander the woods in my dreams and hope to find an answer to my existential crises, i find only nothing"
The day is new, and I’m already exhausted. Fuck the world, and the english ambassadors. Nightmare’s in the news, because something has to bring Britain to a screeching halt, hopelessness pervades my every thought, self-loathing pervades every painkiller i take. The public transport stops at the latest decrepit bus stop, and a train derails it’s […]Read more "Poem: Futility"
Well hell, there’s a need to overdo it with painkillers and spiritual self-harm, till even the Grim Reaper knows I’m too far gone. Things change? I bet you’ve heard that one before? Christ I’ve said it too many times before, let’s see if it sticks. A loved one told me, ‘running’ helps with your depression. It […]Read more "Watching Bojack Horseman on anti-depressants"
I hate being awake, and damn, death’s like sleep. My life got me spinning This moment got me nauseous, this morning had me wishing i was dead. My eyes aching Struggling to write Am I just unwittingly happy, or accepting death. self-hating Voices in my head, don’t answer that, And you all fully well know […]Read more "Poem: Disarray"
it isn’t a particularly nice world or time; I’m exhausted and hopeless after a six-year long battle with severe depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. It’s easy to say it’s been a long one. I’m too lazy to write a suicide note, and as far as I know this isn’t it, for months I’ve struggled to […]Read more "(Or) so say they say"
Eat me, because I’m being swallowed Let me rot, because I don’t want to bloom Endless references to death in everything i do every move i make an attempt to reflect death honing in on me Sleeping till noon, but waking at 3am sweating from nightmares of my own death. the image of driving a […]Read more "Poem: Cliche Psychoanalytical diatribe #18"
Mixing alcohol and paracetamol, isn’t just a good rhyme, it’s usually a sign that shit went south at some point, and trust me it did. I never anticipated revealing my struggles, my shattered mental health to someone would be so hard, let alone to a loved one. Of course it’s after saying it, I realised […]Read more "Ben- ‘it’s Okay, Tell me’ (or new habits die old)"
I just wanted to be Bukowski. it’s three years on, and look at me now; a severe depressive, who doesn’t get out of bed before 12pm, and can barely handle his emotions. Writing has become an afterthought, my own ambition handicapped by my overwhelming sense of futility. I need to stop using my blog in […]Read more "eyes crying? nose running? uterus bleeding? hotel trivago?"
I have a recurring dream which plagues me. At this point in its existence you could consider it a waking dream. Whenever shit goes bad, I find myself in a hotel lobby, bedraggled and hopeless, on what I presume is an unholy cocktail of substances, that keeps me barely lucid and leaves me periodically blacking […]Read more "Mr. Brizell, we’re glad to see you again"